just-shower-thoughts:

It would be cool if after you died you could see the top 5 times you almost died

aintnosuchthingastoothick:
““Bitch he said he’d eat it FROM. THE. BACK. The Uber is gonna be here in 3 mins. I’ll text you tomorrow.” ”

euo:

How has nobody settled for me yet I’m a solid 3

wlwlenaluthor:

me: i just want to be included!

me, after being included: what the hell and fuck

vagabonds-and-troubadours:

just-shower-thoughts:

I feel like an adult brain in 2017 processes more information in one morning than an adult brain in 1817 did in one month.

yeah thats why we all have anxiety now

underheavenx:

samuraipapi:

If ya girl suck on your fingers when y'all fucking then wife that demon

need

neurosquared:

bonerfart:

i love when religious dudes are like “jacking off isn’t a sin but it is frowned upon” like god’s watching me pummel my meat with a big sour look on his face like “technically this is my fault for not being more specific but i’m not happy with this at all”

image

punlich:

nonsexual intimate cuddling is important and valuable and good

estpolis:

i like coffee like i like my women

big ass titties

neverblogidly:

geekandmisandry:

My boyfriend just woke up, mostly still asleep and told me “don’t worry, it’s getting better” in a heavy, American accent, which is unusual for an Australian man.

“Why are you American?” I asked, to which I got:

“Sorry, it’s getting better” in a stereotypical posh English accent.

“Why are you English?” I asked, amused.

“What is he normally?” He managed to ask.

“He? You’re not anyone else, you’re you.”

“Ugh, me” was the last thing he said, in a right proper Aussie accent before he fell back into proper sleep.

Bitch just thwarted a ghost possession by judging his accents